Much to Learn.

I hate learning.

And I absolutely adore it.

Contradiction? Absolutely not. I love to learn. I enjoy having my eyes opened to the things I'd never seen before, beginning to understand this world and the things that fill it. At the same time, it frustrates me beyond belief. The more I come to learn of anything, the more I realize how little I know of everything. The more subjects I touch on, in school, conversation, or reading, the more awakened I am to this restless desire in me to know more.

Now, I can't pretend to consider this one of my big flaws. I have many of those. But an insatiable appetite and passion to explore and grow has not, as of yet, proven to be a weakness. It is a character annoyance if anything, that the unsettled thirst for knowledge and experience will not be quenched. Whether I water it with history, literature, social justice, or dare I even say science, I cannot beat back the longing to learn and through learning, transforming.

This past week or so has been an especially "hungry" week for my heart. Being in discussion with a variety of people, I am craving more knowledge of Christianity in particular. I revel in the amount there is to learn of the history of my faith, the different doctrines and practices, and individuals' amazing testaments to a God that woos my very being. This is the seeking that I rejoice in, the happy frenzy of acknowledging my own ignorance and breaking down barriers of blindness that hinder me from being more.

However, a life of learning cannot mean I collect knowledge and merely sit on it, as a dragon hoards away gold for the sole purpose of reflecting on its wealth. I believe that to be someone who is passionate about learning means to be someone who is passionate about sharing. About teaching. About helping. And therefor, someone who is passionate about loving. There's a line from a song we occasionally sing at my university, a plea to God that He may

"fill us up and send us out"

What a perfect way to describe just what I want to be in the world: a sincere believer sharing out of an overflow of God's love, a well-informed wooer of hearts to the author of all stories, the rescuer of all sinners, and the creator of all souls. It would seem I have much to learn.

Caring.

Sometimes, my heart feels overwhelmed.

It seems the more I learn, the harder it is for me to know what to care about. There is constantly a new cause to support, a new problem to fix, a new idea to encourage, all equally worth time and attention. But I have not yet mastered the ability to fully care about a few. Instead, awed by the sheer quantity of need, I skim the surface of it all, not really getting too close to any one issue or group. I subconsciously feel that by giving my full efforts to some ministries or organizations, I make a declaration that the others are not serious or worth my energy.

In a culture permeated with over-choice, I should be able to decide on the things that really burden my heart. Yet I find myself an un-anchored advocate, floating freely from one idea to the next, enthused merely about whatever cause has grasped my attention. This is not the deep, passionated support I want to give anything.

So I suppose my question for the emptiness of the blog-sphere is this. As a person who seeks to do good, to make a difference, to invoke positive change, to be an authentic Christian,

how do I tie my heart to some of the hurting, broken, and unsaved while doing nothing for the others?

I'm not sure I believe it's as black and white as all that. That by choosing to help here and not there I am purposefully depriving people. Rather, I think true caring is an acknowledgement of all there is to do, an act of doing what you can, and an apology for what you can't. The answer lies in a balance.

A balance between ignorance and arrogance: knowing what is out there but not assuming one person or even one country has all the solutions.

A balance between guilt and drive: feeling called and compelled to help without berating your heart into uselessness.

But what I must believe is most important, is love. Not the cliche, hippie-trippy love or the box of chocolates love. But real, honest, raw love. Love that sees pain and is ruined by it. Love that puts emotion into action. Love that truly changes lives.

And so I will continue seeking and learning, beginning to open my heart to the truth of caring.

"Your mission in life is where your deep joy and the world's deep hunger meet" -Richard Nelson Bolles

Coming Home

Today was our first day of classes after Christmas break. I got back to school late last night, not totally certain if I was excited or not. I love my college but I also love my home. Being there was such a time of joy that it was bitter sweet to say goodbye for another few months.

Coming home.

It forced me to see the place I'd come from with new eyes. I wasn't sure I'd like what I saw after leaving Oklahoma for the famed climate and excitement of southern California. But I, like a lot of people, underestimated my home. It was so exciting to see my city and the people there with a fresh view. I could experience it like someone who had never been there before. I think more of us should take the time to really look at where we come from. When I was able to take the time to blink, everything I was seeing changed. And it was a change for the better.

Before I left for school, I had always liked Oklahoma. I was not one of those surly teens who turned up my nose at this mid western (or is it southern?) state. Where some saw deserted boredom I saw a spacious beauty. Where some saw backwards, uneducated hicks I saw kind, warm, sincere people. Where some saw field after field of cows I saw... field after field of cows. There's really no way around that one. But being able to come home for a few weeks allowed me to truly appreciate the things I hadn't even realized I'd missed. There is a rugged, dusty beauty there and an open hearted manner that I arrogantly assume is unique to there.

Beauty can be seen everywhere.
In each fallen tree, dry leaf, or empty stream.
Beauty is in all of us, we just have to be willing to look with the right eyes.
It's like C.S. Lewis says, "You've never met an ordinary person".
We are all incredible, marvelous beings with more extraordinary potential than we may ever realize.
Embrace it.