Bugged by the Jitterbug

And they told us we couldn't have it all.

The baby boomers that patronize we yuppies with our foolish, materialistic fantasies are now dialing into the dream of having function, convenience, and style all in one. And yes, I did just apply the term style to the only cell phone that is guaranteed to be uglier than the bunions of its user.

While the Jitterbug phone is by no means a new addition to the world of communication, unless you're part of their main audience over the age of 80, where the several years since the product's release feel like a short walker-supported trot to the sponge bath, it has only just recently captured my very heart and soul. While sitting in my dorm room late one night with some friends, we started talking about some of the more ridiculous products on the needlessly huge American consumer market. And, obviously, the Jitterbug, in all its glory, came up. True to our instant gratification socialization, we quickly queued up a YouTube presentation of the phone's commercial. I gawked and giggled as a semi-animated couple dances and twirls across the screen with an ease that exists solely in the medicine-induced dreams of the premiere audience.

After the painful reminder to the elderly of a mobility long gone, a resume of the Jitterbug's "features" arrives on the screen.

"Comfortable Keypad"
Salvation for your fingertips, lest they come into contact with anything less comfy than crocheting yarn, cat fur, or leather driving gloves.

"Large Bright Screen"
Because you are too decrepit too read a normal screen.

"Powerful Speaker"
For those of you too deaf to hear at an average volume but not quite deaf enough to make the purpose of a phone irrelevant.

"Eliminates Noise"
Kind of like a mute button, without the stressful complexity of an whole other button.

With the appearance of these selling points, I became more and more insulted. Surely the makers of this product didn't expect to make money off harassing consumers with their own unconquerable inabilities. Americans wouldn't stand for that... right?

The next shot of the commercial displays an attractive middle-aged couple, examples of "stylish aging", both proud owners of Jitterbugs. As they stand uncomfortably close, (who stands 3 inches from someone elses face like that??) the woman exclaims that "No one else gets such personal service!" Aside from the obvious cheesiness of this statement, how would this lady have any clue as to how personal other phone companies' service is? I suppose we could grant her knowledge due to previous phone ownership. After all, she has supposedly lived for several decades, despite her fairly wrinkle free face. So who's to say she hasn't tried every phone under the sun and found each and every one to be wholly unsatisfying, nearly giving up her quest to find an egg-shaped phone with a comfortable keypad, bright screen, powerful speaker, noise eliminator, and the best freaking customer service in the world but to be saved just in time by the Jitterbug???

Following this claim is the statement "US based customer service". Bravo, Jitterbug. Not only have you insulted your audience's intelligence, but have now fueled an American elitist ideology. Because we all know that if you want THE BEST, it has to come from America. Heaven forbid you have to deal with some poor Indian man whose attempt to earn a living is inconveniencing your so frequently required cellular customer service. The commercial then pans to two scenes of the serene looking "helpful, live 24 hour" operators. Because there is no one more helpful or friendly than a person stuck in a cubicle at all hours of the night dealing with senile users of the world's simplest phone.  But thank goodness they're in America.

After the giddy office workers comes, perhaps, the best angle of all. Jitterbug is deemed "the perfect gift". Really? Perfect? Even encased in the generic, silk-lined box, the little turd of a phone doesn't look like a remotely appealing present. I imagine the note attached to the gift-"Finally a phone that even a dummy like you can work! Happy Christmas/Hanuka/Birthday/Anniversary/Valentines/Arbor Day!" Nothing says thoughtful like the most advanced idiot-proof technology.

To conclude their sales pitch, Jitterbug raps up with a plea to their audience's wallets. "Affordable...no contracts". The producers realize that their buyers' budgets are tied up in medication, prune juice, and cat food and are kind enough to accommodate. And let's not forget the contract free purchase. Because it will only take a month for Jitterbug users to realize that this "useful" phone is rather limited in its uses, even considering its meager price. Finally, the semi-real, semi-illustrated dancing couple leads us out of the commercial, either desiring a new Jitterbug or a new TV channel.

So while my Dustbowl grandmother likes to pride herself on her thrifty, consumerism-free lifestyle, the American dream of cutting edge technology coupled with convenience and low cost is working its way into Lincolns and nursing homes everywhere.

Yes, Gladys, you CAN have it all.